Balancing my Yearning for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear demanding, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American therapy professional who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
